Also, I need a new phone.

Perhaps need is not the correct word… For all intents and purposes my current phone functions acceptably, although I do have difficulty with the touch screen. It’s like a part in the middle has lost all sensitivity to touch, so often when I try to, for example, press number 6, I will end up pressing number 9, or when I try to press number 5, it will dial 1. You have to hit each key in a very specific spot to get it to register correctly and this is an absolute nightmare when trying to text, or when trying to recharge one’s phone with those GOD DAMN RECHARGE VOUCHERS WITH 12 DIGITS. Ugh. Other than that, generally speaking the phone works ok but it would be nice to have something a bit nicer, with a touchscreen that FUCKING WORKS. I don’t think I want an iPhone, only because they are so expensive. I am currently on the Vodafone $29 prepaid cap ($150 monthly credit, free V2V calls, free social networking and 500mb data). I’m thinking of going onto a plan, but to get the iPhone on a plan that costs that little, you have to pay like $20/month extra for the phone, and I am not down with that. Maybe considering the Samsung Galaxy S II. Not sure. The other thing that’s bothering me, though, is that the free social networking thing seems to be exclusive to prepaid stuff (I am on Vodafone) and does not feature in any of the plans. Blast!

Hmm. I’ll probably continue to have difficulty making up my mind for the next six months, you realise…

I have officially started the first semester of what should be my last ever year at university.

Graduation is looming. And I have no fucking idea what to do with myself.

I am not the best student - my marks are improving, but they’re not as good as those of many others. I do not have any connections within the profession. Sure, I could look for some volunteer work to get my foot in the door, but I quite honestly at the moment can’t afford to work and not get paid for it; and I cannot find any paid legal positions commensurate with my experience (they all want EXPERIENCED paralegals and EXPERIENCED secretaries). I did not gain a clerkship, and while I know that I do not want to work in corporate law (and therefore don’t want to work for a top tier), having won a clerkship would have been a huge help in finding me a grad position.

What frightens me more than anything is that I haven’t the foggiest idea of what to do. Graduate applications through the NSWLS grad program have opened, but there are only like 2 firms subscribed to that. I can’t find anyone else who is recruiting now, and I don’t know when most firms open their applications. I want to work in family law, but as most of these firms are small and don’t run grad programs I don’t know if I’ll ever manage to find a job! I’ve looked into Legal Aid but you need to have your practicing certificate before you can join their grad program which will mean another 6 months or so studying (most firms will PAY for their grads to do this in their first 6 months out and their work at their firm fulfils the course’s prac component).The thing that bothers me most? Apart from working in family law, I have no other ambition. I do not want to use my media degree. I am too socially awkward and anxious to interview people etc. I don’t want to work in corporate or insolvency or property or anything like that. I don’t want to work as in-house counsel. Criminal law might be ok, but what drives me - what I REALLY have a passion for - is helping people, and there is no better way to do that than working in family law. I just don’t have a passion for anything else.

Maybe my expectations for myself are too high - maybe they always have been. I don’t want to stay in retail for the rest of my life; I do not want to be a fully qualified solicitor stuck working as a secretary or a paralegal. I know that I will make a fantastic lawyer one of these days, but I worry that it will take me far too long to get there.

—————

Other than all of that, I have been well lately. Working almost full-time while my manager has been away, back to dancing, uni went back last week, lusting over items I cannot afford, purchasing cheap thrills at Forever New, you know how it is.

People continue to do absolute squat to give me faith in humanity.

Why am I surrounded by so many rude, forgetful and downright inconsiderate lemons?

An Open Letter to Gym Goers Everywehere

But particularly to the ones at my gym who annoy the fuck out of me. I really should avoid the gym at certain times during school holidays but you know, you have to go when it’s convenient. Anyway.

1. An exercise bike is not a leisure seat. When the gym is full, please refrain from sitting on a bike, not pedalling and WATCHING TV FOR AN HOUR so that other people who are waiting can use the bike.

2. The chest press machine is not the place for you to sit, FOR TEN MINUTES, texting. Please at least make an effort to appear as though you are doing something useful (note: 2 reps at 10 pounds before you continue texting for another 5 minutes does not constitute an effort).

3. The leg press machine is not the place for a girly chit-chat while you sit and, again, do nothing except for push a 10-pound weight when you think someone might be watching.

4. The pec fly machine is NOT a seat for your backpack. Your backpack should be tucked away safely in one of the many lockers offered, not inside the gym and certainly not sitting on a machine.

5. The decline bench, yet again, is a really shitty place to be standing around, giggling and pretending to do something. One person doing half-arsed, improperly-formed, I-will-break-my-neck-if-I-keep-this-up sit-ups does not require another person to sit on the flat bench next to them and another to stand at the end of the bench in the stretching area, giggling.

6. The mirrors are there so that one can check one’s form when stretching and lifting weights. It kind of defeats the purpose when people using said weights cannot see themselves in the mirror because there are several teenaged girls standing in front of it, DOING AND RE-DOING THEIR HAIR. THAT IS WHAT BATHROOMS ARE FOR.

7. For the love of God, please do not stand around the scales in the bathroom, giggling at how “fat” you all are (sub-40kg, by my guess), blocking the entry/exit. Just don’t do it.

I am a cranky bitch, I know, it’s old age kicking in. But I pay good money for my gym membership (and I haven’t been much lately, too much on with work, but I am back into it and will be there nearly every day of the week) and all of the above just frustrate me like you would not believe. I go to the gym to get my workout done, I have a specific plan of what I want to do before I even get there and while I don’t mind having to change that plan if the machines are occupied by people who are actually doing something, it drives me nuts when it’s some kid playing with her hair and using the machine like a lounge chair. Not all kids that use the gym are like this - I know plenty of school-aged kids who are fantastic gym-goers and use the equipment safely and respectfully, but it seems like there are a fair few (or just a really annoying, visible minority) who buy themselves a gym membership so that they can check their Facebooks in at said gym and tweet all their friends about what a HARD workout they’re doing, and occasionally pretend that they’re doing something/do something incorrectly and dangerously when they think someone might have noticed that they’re not doing anything (the bad sit-ups I saw today were really something else, a girl yesterday was using the row machine really strangely in a way that probably put a lot of stress on her joints and I remember once seeing a girl using the chest press in the most bizarre way - it kind of reminded me of the Elaine dance from Seinfeld, that kind of body-thrusting off the seat while trying to push the handles forward). UGH.

Source: fuckyeahsociallyawkwardpenguin

I picked up my guitar tonight and started playing again, for the first time in ages. I’m talking a couple of years here.

I forgot how much it hurt my hands. It’s been that long since I played that the calluses I developed on my fingers have worn away. It’s like I have baby hands again and I have to re-train them on the strings. If I keep doing it for a while I know they’ll toughen up but for the moment it’s quite painful.

At least I haven’t forgotten much. I can still play Wish You Were Here without looking at a tab sheet or anything. That’s something, at least.

New Year.

So another year has flown by. I’m 21 (almost 22), 4 years into a 5 year degree, working multiple jobs etc. My life is not how I thought it would be, but I cannot complain too much.

I really have only one resolution this year. Usually I make a long list of things I want to do, or be, or have over the next 365 days. I almost did that again this time, but I’ve realised that everything I want stems back to one thing. So, in 2012, I resolve to:

- Learn to love myself.

I don’t mean that I need to learn to become an up-myself, arrogant Regina George (if you know Mean Girls you will understand). What I mean is that I need to learn to accept myself, all of myself, even the bits that I’m not a huge fan of, and love myself for what I am. If I can learn to do that - love and respect myself (I often battle with intense periods of self hatred, have little to no self esteem or self confidence and find it immensely difficult to respect myself) - then everything else, I think, will fall into place by itself. I need to stop sitting here, hating my face or my body or my weight or my mental state or my job or my marks, and learn to accept that my life may not be perfect, and I may not look the way I wish I did, and people may not be interested in me, but I’m not that badly off. I’m beginning to realise that maybe the reason people aren’t interested in me is because they see how timid and fragile and self-loathing I can be - I must project that into the world somehow - and they don’t want to be associated with that. How can I expect people to love and respect me, when I can’t even do that for myself? If I can love myself and respect myself, I will gain confidence and I’m positive that things will change for me.

<3